"An emotionally responsive partner is a powerful turn-on," states sexuality researcher Gurit Birnbaum. In a recent publication, Birnbaum summarized the scientific evidence on the topic, and concluded that feeling understood and supported in a long-term romantic relationship creates an environment that makes partners want to be even closer to each other, including sexually.
When individuals perceive their partners as understanding and caring for their needs, they feel special, view the relationship as special, and view their partner as more desirable. That's true not only when a partner responds to one's sexual needs, but also when they seem to be understanding and caring in general.
In a series of three well-designed experiments, Birnbaum et al. (2016) showed that perceived responsiveness can instigate partners' sexual desire even after a brief interaction. For example, they asked 178 couples to discuss a personal event and then invited them to express physical intimacy with each other. Participants who reported feeling more understood, validated, and cared for when talking with their partners reported more desire to kiss, fool around, and have sex with them - and were observed doing so in the lab afterwards!
What's the catch?
Being responsive to a partner's needs is a promising way to instill and maintain the sexual fire. Yet, sometimes being responsive is not at all simple.
Communication problems
Two of the most common blocks to responsiveness in romantic relationships are:
Sending unclear messages
Getting defensive, and therefore not hearing the partner well
Sending unclear messages
Sometimes, partners may send mixed or unclear messages about what they actually feel or need in the relationship in a particular moment. This can show up as being ambiguous, talking in general terms, not speaking from the heart, or not speaking about their needs and feelings until the frustration spills into other conversations.
Two reasons why partners might not say explicitly what's on their mind:
They feel embarrassed or ashamed
They had negative experience when being explicit in the past
Unfortunately, when partners don't clearly tell each other what they feel and need, it's merely impossible to be successfully responsive.
Getting defensive
Sometimes, one partner's attempt to express their feelings and needs might come across as a complaint to the other partner, or make their partner feel bad about themselves. Naturally, when someone is feeling blamed, misjudged, or misunderstood, their capacity to take in information is diminished.
The primary reason why partners might get defensive:
They don't want to be perceived as letting their partner down
In other words, they care so much about how their partner views them, that they can't tolerate feeling mischaracterized by them. Unfortunately, when partners are hyper-focused on how they are being perceived, their capacity to be responsive in the moment is diminished.
Light on the fire
Couples therapy is a reliable way to improve the communication between partners. And improved communication helps individuals to accurately respond to their partners feelings and needs.
Partners become more able to say what they feel when they feel it
Partners become more able to take in information about their partner without feeling guilty, blamed, or frustrated
Effectively sharing and receiving information reduces conflict in the relationship by sending the message that the relationship is important and that my partner is worth paying attention to. Which, in turn, makes room for renewed emotional and sexual connection
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