Long term committed relationships are like putting all of your eggs in one basket. It's a very high investment, and quite a big risk. Feeling rejected or abandoned by who I consider to be My Person is the most painful and scary scenario for most coupled individuals. And there is one arena where this fear can literally skyrocket - sexuality. I can't think of anything more vulnerable than sex.
Fear is one of the greatest inhibitors of authentic sexuality
Fear of being too much for you
Fear you'll think I'm not attractive
Fear you'll find me or my sexuality repulsive
Fear that I'm not enough
Fear of letting you down
Fear that my body will let us down
Fear of feeling rejected, undesirable, humiliated
Fear of losing control
Fear of not feeling heard and seen when I'm most vulnerable
Fear of feeling trapped
Certain things can temporarily reduce fear:
Avoiding intimacy
Avoiding commitment
Being physically present but emotionally detached
Numbing and shutting down
Distracting
Pretending
Escaping through fantasy, porn, compulsive behavior, drinking, smoking
Over compensating by focusing on performance
Seeking sexual connection in order to feel worthy, to feel ok with one's self
Some of these behaviors help individuals feel less dependent on their partner's response by withdrawing energy and investment from the sexual relationship. Other behaviors can help individuals to feel more in control by continuing to seek sexual satisfaction with their partner, but doing it in ways that feel less vulnerable. Unfortunately, all the above behaviors do not address the underlying, very real fear of rejection by a loved one.
Quite the opposite: whenever any one of the partners turns to a temporary solution in order to reduce their insecurity, it can feed into their partner's insecurities, and decrease the overall sense of security in the relationship. For example:
"It seems to me like you're more interested in your porn (or your social media, or your work, etc) than in spending time with me, I'll go for a run. That'll make me feel better about myself."
"You're being silly and tentative about wanting to have sex with me. That makes me feel like you're not taking me seriously, so I get annoyed with you and dismiss your attempts."
When couples over-rely on self-protective strategies to avoid fear of rejection, they can find themselves stuck in a frustrating and not very sexy cycle. At times, it might feel like "We'll never have great sex again (or have sex at all)." Or, it might seem like "My partner will never be happy with me as a sex partner, it'll never be enough."
But that doesn't have to be the case.
Connection and trust can heal our deepest fears
When partners can begin to turn to each other in order to feel less insecure in the relationship, this is when they can begin to feel like their partner has their back. Not just in bed, but in general. They can begin to feel worthy, seen, and understood. They can begin to feel safe, in control, and free to explore. Their body can s l o w l y begin to calm down. This is when their sexuality can begin to thrive and expand with spontaneity, creativity, and playfulness.
Feeling loved as I am, accepted
Feeling seen, heard, understood
Feeling cared for
Feeling safe, in control
This is what our body needs in order for our soul to show its full colors.
There may be short cuts to a great sex in non-committed sexual relationships or at the beginning of a new relationship, when our body relies on love hormones. But not in a long-term committed relationship, where sex life is mixed up with daily stress, and where unresolved pain from past fights, betrayals, and old trauma can show up or linger.
The way to restore sexual connection in committed relationships is through deepening the trust in each other, so that both partners can relax into the experience and enjoy it.
Let touch be your relationship's superpower
One of the consequences of fear and insecurity around sex is that partners can find themselves touching each other less, even when the touch is not sexual or sensual. That has implications well beyond the couple's sex life.
The need for human touch is one of our most basic, primal needs. It was shown that skin-to-skin touch, particularly when applying moderate pressure (such as in cuddling, hugging, holding hands, and giving each other a massage) reduces stress and improves overall well-being, from infancy to adulthood and old age. When partners lose their comfort in touching each other spontaneously in such ways, they are not only missing out on the sexual front. They also find themselves less equipped to support each other in dealing with everyday's stress.
Working in couples therapy to build trust and to strengthen the emotional connection can help partners gain back access to this incredible resource, to benefit their sexual life and their ability to support one another on a deep, connected level.
Kommentare