In his poem Underface, American poet Shel Silverstein captures the common experience of putting on a mask when interacting with others. In his endearing style, Silverstein tells us: "Underneath my outside face there is a face that none can see." And there is a good reason why that is: For so many people, negative past experience of showing their "Under-face" left them apprehensive about ever taking off their mask again.
This post is a shout-out to everyone out there who is working to show up more fully in their relationships: To show up when you are happy, to show up when you are insecure, to show up when you have no idea what's up with you but you just don't want to stay alone with it.
It can be hard to appreciate the tremendous courage it takes to take off that mask, unless you really get how scary it is to anticipate a negative response.
Protection and preservation
Putting on a mask is one of the ways in which we protect ourselves from risking emotional pain in relationships, and it's absolutely brilliant! If I can only show you my strengths, my competency; if I can get angry instead of sad or upset; if I can numb my feelings altogether, and try to care less - all of these are much better alternatives than showing someone else my soft belly, and waiting to see the worst case scenario happen: I will feel dismissed, rejected, trapped, and ultimately awful.
The song "Too Good at Goodbyes" by Sam Smith really drives home the point about self-protection, and how the very act that protects one from hurting, is also the act that can keeps them isolated in their relationship. The song says it all: I cannot show you my tears, I cannot even show you my love, because I'm protecting my soul.
I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So, I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt
Building walls in relationships
We may not always be aware of it, but we all carry within us a working model of "What to Expect in Relationships." Typically, the way that our primary caregivers have responded to our bids for comfort, particularly in our formative years, is what shapes how we view relationships, whether we are able to seek comfort as adults, and whether we feel that we deserve it. And oftentimes, what maybe started in one's childhood, continues the happen in their present relationships, in a way that confirms their view of relationships as either safe or unsafe.
For example, a person whose caregivers were generally responsive and validating in childhood would likely grow up to be an adult who values themselves, and who is able to express their pain and reach out for comfort. Their experience taught them that others would likely hear them out and show up for them. For them, the risk in expressing vulnerability or asking for their needs to be met is relatively low. (If you want to learn more about this, I absolutely love this video by my teacher Dr. Jacob Ham, that explains how secure attachment is formed).
In contrast, someone whose caregivers were less responsive to their bids for comfort, perhaps inconsistent in their responses, or straight out dismissive or punitive, would unlikely feel comfortable with depending on others and showing vulnerability. Their experience taught them that their significant others may be unavailable for them. So, rather than reaching out, a much better idea would be to hide those parts of themselves that are vulnerable.
Making the same mistake and expecting a different result?
If others have the power to hurt us, then why would we ever put ourselves in a vulnerable situation? Well, to use the words of Lama Rod Owens:
“HEALING IS NOT JUST THE COURAGE TO LOVE, BUT TO BE LOVED”
If there is a person out there with whom we could take a risk and try to show up with a little less facade... wouldn't that be special if they see the Underface and not feel overwhelmed by it, reject it, or try to fix it right away?
Psychological research shows that the ability to reach for others in order to seek comfort and support promotes resilience and wellbeing:
We are stronger when we are connected.
We may take more risks knowing that someone will be there for us.
When we feel seen and accepted in a relationship, we can gradually share more of our experience, more genuinely, with others.
And to reach that safe heaven of resilience and wellbeing takes a leap of faith! As Brene Brown argues, "Being able to show our flaws and be accepted despite them is the only way to get out of the loop of hiding and feeling not good enough." "However," she continues, "This can only work in an atmosphere of emotional safety, where we have reasonable assurance that letting down our protective guards will be treated gently and with compassion."
A good therapy offers the safety-net to take such risks. It supports YOU, it supports what you stand for, and it has absolute trust, that when the conditions are ripe, you too can take off some of your guards and be seen, accepted, and loved, exactly as you are.
Addendum
One final thought:
If therapy is not your cup of tea, evidence shows that having faith, a sense of belonging (at work, in your community, or with extended family), and also having a pet, can nurture one's sense of self-worth and can be a safety-net that helps one to take risks that will lead them to show up more authentically and to feel more connected. Whatever your safety-net may be at this time, taking this leap of faith would be a gift to your future self.
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