There is no significant relationship without conflict. In fact, the ability to work through conflict shows the resilience and flexibility that come with a secure relationship. Yet, sometimes, the weight of additional challenges that life throws at couples, or the accumulation of unresolved issues in the relationship, can lead one or both partners to feel like nothing is working anymore. When your best attempts to resolve conflict and get back the good feelings you previously had in the relationship fail, consulting with a professional is an effective way to get unstuck.
In this post I will describe how I apply Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help couples develop a stronger emotional bond and heal past relational injuries. If you are looking to read more about the research that supports Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy as a gold standard treatment for couples - this site summarizes pretty much all of it.
Getting started
While each couple receives treatment based on their individual needs, a typical consultation begins with a joint session where we explore the reasons for seeking treatment, followed by one-on-one sessions with each partner, and ending with a joint feedback session in which we determine a plan.
In the first session you will see me busily taking notes as I start to draw a preliminary map of your relational interaction and patterns. We will begin to identify how each partner can "push" the other partner's buttons, and start to uncover what each partner may long for in the relationship.
Individual meetings are an opportunity to get to know each partner a little better. I will ask about your personal backgrounds and how you understand your relational issues. I keep in mind that many things shape how we show up as partners, and this knowledge helps me work effectively with clients from different backgrounds.
In the forth session I share with you how I think I could assist in making your relationship better. Together we draw a plan and answer any questions you may have about the process.
How does it work?
My first goal is to help you see your relationship conflict in a new light. Together, we will slow down and begin to identify the negative cycle that keeps you stuck and disconnected.
Here is a simple example of one common dynamic that can keep couples stuck:
Whenever Angel asks to spend more time with Aubrey, Aubrey feels blamed or controlled and pushes Angel away. Over time, Angel feels more and more like they are not a priority, so they protest more and get louder. But, that only makes Aubrey feel less motivated to warm up to Angel. Aubrey spends more time on the phone, at work, or with other people. The only way Angel knows to try to get Aubrey back is driving Aubrey further and further away...
Partners can feel frustrated and helpless when their best efforts to fix their relationship seem to make it worse. In EFT therapy, we work to identify and shift the negative cycle that keeps a couple stuck despite their best intentions.
However, EFT therapy is not an intellectual exercise. Research shows that being able to appreciate the other’s point of view, while useful, is rarely enough to produce lasting change. My goal is to help you feel differently with each other. To facilitate that, we will look underneath the actions (I complain, you turn away) and make space for the longing, the intention, and other aspects that may underlie your actions. Then, we share it with one another.
What we're after is not just a new understanding of how you get stuck, but a new experience of feeling more connected to your partner, little by little. That's why from the very first sessions, I encourage you to turn to your partner and share your experience with them. I don't send you home to do "homework." Rather, we practice together in session, thereby strengthening your communication muscles and building trust.
What if we have a specific concern?
Every relationship is unique, and the therapy I offer will be tailored to your specific needs. Some common concerns that I can help with are:
Recovering from infidelity
Adjusting to parenthood
Coping with challenges related to immigration
Working with multicultural couples
Discussing family planning
Resolving discrepancies in sexual desire
Using the power of couples therapy to heal from personal history of trauma
How to make the most of couples therapy?
Showing up regularly to therapy goes a long way. I work with couples for one hour every week. I like to provide my couples flexibility wherever possible, but I found that meeting less frequently than that is simply less effective.
Willingness to be honest about your experience is incredibly important. Typically, at the beginning couples therapy, there isn't enough emotional safety to be completely honest. As you and your partner start to feel more secure in your relationship, it is important that you are both willing to take the risk of being as honest as possible (click here for my take on how showing up more authentically in important relationships can really pay off).
With regards to affairs, substance use, or addiction, it may seem easier to keep those issues a secret than to face feared consequences in the relationship. All relationships are different. Yet, if one partner withholds information, the implication may be that there is not enough emotional security for either partner. Couples therapy is a place to work through such challenges so that the relationship can reach its full potential. If a couple feels that their therapy is not progressing, secrets is one of the reasons why this might happen.
Finally, partners who are in physically or emotionally abusive relationships would not experience improvement in therapy until the abusive behavior stops. An abusive relationship is one where violence is embedded in a unidirectional dynamic of control (Hamel and Nicholls, 2007). In contrast, relationships where violence arises in specific situations, as a result of escalating interactions (Johnson & Leone, 2005; Kelly & Johnson, 2008) can benefit from couples therapy, especially when the couple is invested in improving their relationship.
References
Hamel, J., & Nicholls, T. L. (2007). Family interventions in domestic violence: A handbook of gender-inclusive theory and treatment. New York: Springer Publishing Company.
Johnson, M. P., & Leone, J. M. (2005). The differential effects of intimate terrorism and situational couple violence: Findings from the national violence against women survey. Journal of Family Issues, 26, 322–349.
Kelly, K. D., & Johnson, M. P. (2008). Differentiations among types of intimate partner violence: Research update and implications for interventions. Family Court Review, 46(3), 476–499.
Comments