How to move from self-protection to connection
In any significant relationship, there are times when we act in ways that deepen our sense of connection, and other times when our own actions increase the distance or disconnection in the relationship.
In this post I describe a simple process that can help partners feel closer to their significant others and more supported by them, even when it seems that closeness has been blocked.
Every relationship goes through moments of conflict and disconnection where distancing behaviors might occur. For example:
Arguing, blaming
Nagging, complaining
Criticizing
Threatening to leave
Pulling away, stonewalling
Deflecting, dismissing
Over-explaining, distracting
Shutting down
Learning to resolve the conflicts that naturally arise in a relationship is a game-changer for couples that want to build a lasting emotional connection.
“It’s fixing mistakes that matters, even just the willingness to try again”
- Deborah Blum, Love at Goon Park
Moving past self-protection
The process is simple:
Acknowledge that my action had a negative impact on my partner
Try to share what might have caused the protective behavior
Be open to hear my partner's response and make space for their experience
Any one of the behaviors in the list above can be at the focus of this exercise. Each partner's goal is to acknowledge the impact of their protective behavior, share a softer feeling that may be underling it, and make room for the other partner to respond. In the image below, you can see how each partner goes through steps 1-3 with a different protective behavior (Swipe to see the next steps):
Practicing this new way of engaging with significant others may be awkward and uncomfortable at the beginning. Often times, we don't even know what's happening inside ourselves right before we lash out or withdraw. With time and a little bit of help, we can all learn to slow down, better understand ourselves, and practice sharing it with our partners. Over time, it becomes like a second nature.
"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they are never weakness.”
― Brene Brown
Deepening the emotional connection: Example
When I started to work with Jackie and Matt they felt distant and upset. Matt's anger intimidated Jackie, and she became increasingly shut down and resentful, which led Matt to feel helpless and ashamed. Slowly but surely we worked together to make sense of Matt's anger. We linked it to difficult experiences in his past, and Matt reflected on how anger became the only safe emotion for him to express, since he was a young boy. At times, it seemed to him that anger was the only emotion he could recognize.
But that proved to be wrong. With some help and some practice, Matt learnt to name his experience when he was getting triggered. He was able to explain to Jackie that what came out as anger was a sign of him getting overwhelmed inside. When Jackie was helped to see behind the anger, she was able to comfort Matt in his distress. Overtime, Matt no longer needed the anger as much. When he started to feel overwhelmed, he could try to turn to Jackie and let her know, and she was able to welcome his experience with an open heart. For the first time in Matt's life, it didn't feel like a weakness to share a vulnerable experience with someone else. It felt new, still a bit scary, but good.
Simultaneously, as Matt's anger decreased and made more sense to both partners, Jackie was working on mastering the courage to take more space in the relationship. Bringing up some of her tender feelings was hard, given her past experience of Matt's anger and other relationships. But, once she saw the impact that her criticism of Matt and turning away from him had on their negative cycle, she too was determined to do something different. She learnt to share some of her underlying insecurities, including shame about herself and fear that she wasn't good enough for him. Matt did his best to not brush off this fear, as partners often do when they want to reassure their partners. He responded warmly and patiently, and reminded her with his words, tone, and gentle touch that for him, she was everything he ever wanted.
Jackie and Matt are a good example of a couple that with help and practice, managed to access their softer feelings and learned how to share their experience authentically with one another. Much to their surprise, they found that they can be heard. That, in fact, their partner's were eager to be the ones to support them.
Epilogue
Not all couples are the same. Some take longer to adopt new patterns, some break up. But, the ones who make this simple method their second nature have a way to repair their connection, no matter what curve-balls life might throw at them. In fact, over time, the more curve balls they are able to catch, the better they become as a team.
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