I could feel the tension in the air when Nick and Sara walked into my small New York office. It was Sara's idea to come in, after several months of feeling like she and Nick are caught in a negative cycle of constant fighting. After hellos and introductions, I suggested that we dive right into a recent argument they had and see what we can learn from it.
"Can you guys give me an example, something from this week maybe, where you felt stuck, disconnected, or frustrated in your relationship?"
Sara was first to respond. She leaned forward from her seat on the edge of the sofa, her body tensed up as if she was ready to jump. "We had dinner plans with my colleagues yesterday. It's a new job and Nick knows how important it is for me to make a good impression. I was already at the restaurant when he texted me that he was running late. I was furious. I couldn't believe it! It was disrespectful, I felt so embarrassed in front of my colleagues."
I could feel Sara's anger pulsing in my own veins. I know that feeling of being let down. And as I listened to Sara, I remembered waiting for my best friend who was always late to our girls' nights and feeling like a fool. Then, I looked at Nick, trying to read his body language. What happens to him when Sara expresses her anger? I noticed that he was looking away, his body seemed stiff. I wondered whether he had heard that criticism before, that he was somehow letting Sara down. Could it be that Nick is looking away because he doesn't know what else to say?
"You see?" Sara said, "Even now he says nothing. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't care." "I already told you," Nick protested and his voice sounded impatient "I had to take care of a problem at work. I thought I would make it in time, but I didn't realize the reservation was for 6 pm." "You would have known if you had listened to me!" Sara exclaimed. "Working people don't have dinner at 6! This is insane." Nick raised his voice.
"Let's pause here for a moment," I jumped in, before they repeat the same back and forth that they know all too well from arguing at home. "This is important. Let's try to slow down a little bit, just to make sure that I'm getting exactly what was going on for each of you yesterday."
I turned to Sara, who was visibly agitated. It was important for me that she feels heard. Especially knowing how frustrated she is, thinking that Nick isn't listening to her.
"Sara, I want to start with you, if that's ok with you. I'll go back to Nick in a moment, because of course he has a different experience. What you've shared, Sara, sounds so frustrating! I hear the anger in your voice, it feels embarrassing and disrespectful that your partner is not showing up to this important dinner."
I believe that Sara isn't just feeling angry. Underlying her anger, she's probably disappointed and hurt when Nick doesn't show up. This feeling is exacerbated by Nick refusing to recognize how his actions impact her. With time, we'll get more into the vulnerable feelings underlying the anger. We'll try to identify together what was going on for Sara when she felt unheard and left alone by Nick. Oftentimes, we find that past experiences of hurt and disappointment add massive fuel to current conflicts. The role of attachment and personal history in shaping present relationships is worth a post of its own.
Right now what Sara feels most strongly is anger, and therefore this is my focus. She's vehement. And I get it. I would feel angry too if I were in her shoes. And that's an important part of my job - I always assume that what my clients feel makes sense. Working with Emotionally Focused Therapy, I don't try to make "negative" emotions disappear. We do it all the time: "it's gonna get better", "you should get over it". But research suggests this attitude towards negative emotion is in fact counterproductive. Instead, I welcome all of my clients' emotions. We try to feel them and to make sense of them. Only after we identify the roots and the function of emotions we can start to work on altering them.
After validating Sara's anger, we still have to figure out what she does with it in the moment. As said, all emotions make sense and all emotions are welcome. But there may be ways of dealing with emotions that get us stuck, and others which facilitate growth. I already know that Sara's and Nick's fight yesterday ended bitterly. So I'm guessing whatever Sara did to express her anger didn't draw Nick closer to her, and didn't help her feel more supported by him. Through no fault of her own, Nick only drew back.
"Do you remember what you did and said when you got so angry at Nick?"
Sara sighed and took a deep breath. "We had a huge fight over it. I tried to explain to him why I was disappointed, but he didn't understand 'what's the big deal.' It was so frustrating, I felt like I was talking to a wall."
"So you are talking and talking, and it seems like he is minimizing it, saying it's not a big deal?" Sara nodded.
"Well, it's really tough to feel like Nick doesn't care about your experience, about things that are important to you, like making good impression at work. Of all people, Nick is your partner. He is the one you wanted to have by your side at this important dinner yesterday. When he didn't show up, it hurt. Then you tried to let him know that you were disappointed and angry, and he wasn't able to hear you. And to be fair, it can be hard to hear someone out when you think they are mad at you. So I'm guessing this was a part of the challenge last night for you, Nick?"
At this point I feel that I understand important aspects of Sara's experience, and I hope that she feels understood by me and is beginning to trust me. I am also aware that there is another side to the story, and I must understand both sides in order to help this couple.
I turn to Nick, "It sounds like you were under a lot of pressure yesterday. You had to fix this problem at work, and when you were finally done with it you realized that you were running late to Sara's important dinner. You start to feel that you have let her down and see that she is angry with you. It sucks to feel like you're letting down this person that you care so much about. And it sounds like Sara was so angry and your response didn't help her feel better."
"Yeah," Nick shifted his gaze from the floor and looked right at me. "She didn't listen to me. It's not like I did it on purpose. But when she gets angry it doesn't matter what I say." "That's because you keep pretending like nothing has happened! Like it's not a big deal to leave me alone at the most important dinner I've had this entire year!"
Couple's therapy is all about restoring the emotional connection and helping the couple feel closer. But it can take a long time to get there. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in a room with two people that keep triggering each other. Everything that one partner says can upset and shake the other partner to the core. If I'm not quick enough they can start fighting again in a split second. But I know that repeating the same pattern will not help them change, so I jump right away.
"To you, Sara, it feels like Nick is minimizing what happened. It seems like he doesn't take responsibility. Right? But then, for you, Nick, it sounds like you are feeling attacked. It's hard for you to be there for Sara when you feel overwhelmed." Now I will ask Nick the same question that I asked Sara earlier. I want him to become aware of what he feels, thinks and says in the moment.
"Can you walk me through this? What was going on for you when you started to realize that Sara was getting angry?"
"When she is angry, I know it's a lost cause. I better wait it out.", he explained. "So you look away? You get quiet? Maybe change the topic?" I try to identify what are the strategies each of them employs to manage conflict. "Yeah," he tries to recall, "I was trying to apologize and move on, and when she kept going back to it I started to mentally check out. I know it made her even more mad, but honestly, I didn't know what else to say."
"This is so frustrating for both of you. Of course, Nick, it's frustrating not to know how to support your partner, and to feel so helpless. Is that a good word to describe it, helpless?", he nods. "You just don't know what to do, it feels like nothing helps in these moments. And for Sara, it's frustrating to see your partner try to change the topic or look away when you really need them to hear you out. It's invalidating. It makes you feel like it doesn't matter. Am I getting it right?"
I look at this couple, two incredibly smart and kind people who have chosen each other, and are now feeling so far away from each other and so hurt. There is rarely a villain in my couples' stories. Usually, I see two people trying their best and feeling like they are falling short. What makes me passionate about couples therapy (and therapy in general) is that I know a way out of this pain and frustration, a way to reconnect and feel emotionally and physically intimate again.
"Let me try to put together what I've gathered so far, and you let me know if I'm missing anything."
This is the time when I'm using both my hands to draw in the air two touching circles or the infinity sign, the hallmark of Emotionally Focused Couple's Therapy:
I explain, "Sara, when Nick texted that he was running late, you felt hurt. You said you were embarrassed and angry. You wanted Nick to recognize it and maybe fix it, and you told him how angry you felt. But, Nick, you didn't know how to respond to Sara's anger. You felt overwhelmed already from the hard day you had, and you tried to reassure Sara that this wasn't a big deal, hoping you could move on and stop fighting. But the problem is that the more Nick tries to move away from the topic, the more invalidated and angry Sara feels. And the more angry Sara feels, the more helpless and frustrated Nick feels, which makes him want to move away even more."
Now that we are starting to see with more clarity a part of the dynamic that keeps Nick and Sara stuck, we can start to change and replace it. With time, we will.
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