It was the session before our last with Janet and Lea. We were sitting in my small office and reflecting on key moments in our journey through couples therapy.
"I remember that time when I first told you how important you have been for me," Janet said to Lea, holding her hand. "You know that it's not my style, and I never thought that it would feel so good to say something so vulnerable." Lea nodded.
"You allowed yourself to be vulnerable at that moment"
I want to help Janet own what she had done in therapy and to feel empowered by it. I let her know how courageous I think it was of her, "You took a risk when you shared that feeling with Lea. It was quite scary at the time to look at Lea and say to her how much she matters to you. In the past, people who mattered the most have let you down, and it hurt. You learned to protect yourself by not letting others get too close to you." Janet nodded, and I saw her sinking a little more into the sofa, relaxing. In order to consolidate that experience for her, I want to take us back to that moment in time and replay it once again, slowly.
"I remember when you came in that week and were quite angry with Lea," I recall how it started. "I think you tried to tell Lea about handling something challenging at work and she seemed distracted." Janet nodded, "I was hurt," she said. "But I couldn't say it to her at the time, I got really agitated and left the room."
Leaving was a familiar way for Janet to deal with difficult emotions. It allowed her to seal negative emotions. We called it the "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality. For the most part it worked very well. For example, it allowed Janet to leave her parents' conservative household and follow her dream to marry Lea. When we explored it in therapy, Janet said that she didn't hold resentment toward her parents, she understands their perspective and thinks that it was best for everyone to have more space from each other. I respect that.
As a humanistic psychologist I trust my clients have good reasons for employing different strategies to deal with their emotions.
For Janet, she couldn't change her parents, and maintaining a close relationship with them would have forced her to hide or reject parts of herself. Stepping away was a good compromise for her. It made sense. But stepping away from Lea, whom she loves and wants to build a life with, that was a different story.
I repeat what Janet just said, softly, "You left." Then I add, "It was a bit much for you to see Lea being so distracted. What went through your mind when you saw that she wasn't paying attention to you?" Janet thinks for a moment, then says, her voice breaking "It hurt. I thought that she didn't care about me. Maybe what I said seemed ridiculous to her, maybe she thought I was inadequate."
At the corner of my eye I see Lea moving uncomfortably in her seat. Although we have worked through this before, it can still be painful to hear your partner feeling insecure about your mutual relationship. In this case, Janet shared she felt worried that Lea doesn't value her, perhaps even judges her, and that be triggering for Lea. Lea and I exchange looks, "Are you ok?" I wait for a sign. "I'd like to process this a little more with Janet, but please jump in if you have anything to add from your experience."
We continue.
"So Janet, in that moment, when you see Lea is distracted, you think it's because something is wrong with you; somehow you are not good enough for her. You worry that something else may be more important maybe. And then you leave, trying to protect yourself from this painful feeling."
Janet nods, then smiles, "yeah, that's my part in the cycle." I smile too.
Much of our work in therapy was dedicated to increasing each partner's awareness of their own relational patterns; what triggers them and what strategies they tend to employ when feeling emotionally activated. We created an imaginary map together that describes their typical cycle. That Janet is now able to recognize how she retreats when feeling insecure is a huge step that brings her and Lea closer. I'm feeling proud. And I'm ready to point out another key moment in that sequence.
"Typically you retreat when you get overwhelmed, but during our session something completely different happened between the two of you," I point out how the cycle is beginning to shift.
"Instead of running away, Janet, you were able to share your experience with Lea. You turned to Lea, looked into her eyes, and told her about your sense of insecurity and how it urges you to run away."
Remembering that moment, Janet and Lea were holding hands again. They have gone a long way. Now, they know first hand how these moments of authentic communication can create a sense of closeness in a relationship. Every time that one of them was able to share her experience with the other one in session brought them a little closer.
I have heard from multiple clients that letting out their insecurities provided a sense of relief and an opportunity for a more authentic connection with their partner. It takes building trust and establishing safety in the therapy room in order to do so. For Janet and Lea, there was a happy ending. With hard work, we were able to create together the conditions that allowed both of them to learn more about their deeper feelings and emotional strategies, and then to share it with one another. Learning to speak from their heart has carved a path for them to feel loved and connected.
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