American poet Robert Frost wrote in his poem Servant of Servants "The best way out is always through." As it pertains to emotional pain, the best way to heal is often through feeling it. Research shows that harnessing the power of emotion is one of the most potent ways to promote enduring emotional change. Although being in touch with our feelings can be difficult and scary, most of us have found out by now that running away from feelings does not always do the trick.
In this post I argue that getting in touch with our painful emotions is a good idea, and that it is advantageous to have someone else to support us through the process.
Better together
Imagine that you're standing in front of a hill. How steep does it look? Studies of visual perception show that if we stand in front of a hill alone, our brains estimate it to be steeper than if we have a friend standing by our side. In fact, merely imagining the presence of a supportive other can make a challenge seem easier. And the more positive we feel toward the support person, the better. For example, individuals who were asked to think about a significant other perceived infant cries as less distressing compared to individuals who recalled a neutral or a negative social contact.
Cultivating supportive relationships helps us manage challenging situations and creates the perception of a safer world. This relationship doesn't have to involve therapy. A trusted friend or spouse can be extremely helpful. Therapy is also a viable option to forge such a relationship. Meeting every week with someone who listens carefully, empathizes with your struggles, and encourages you to become your best self can help you overcome challenges that may seem too overwhelming to face alone.
It's ok to feel
An important aspect of psychotherapy, and Emotionally-Focused Therapy in particular, is our positive attitude toward emotions. Persian poet Jalāl al-Dīn Rūmī describes such attitude in his poem The Guest House, suggesting to welcome all emotions as if they were guests, and to consider how each emotion may teach us something important.
"Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight." – Rumi
In therapy, we invite emotional vulnerabilities. Fears, unmet longings, sadness, and loss, as well as shame and insecurities about ourselves. We meet them with empathy and kindness, and cultivate a curiosity about the message they may carry for us.
I care about you, you make sense
A supportive relationship is tremendously helpful if we wish to turn our attention inwards. Whether it's through words or body language that coveys care and warmth, feeling empathy from another person can help us release tension and make changes in our lives.
In one study of placebo acupuncture for patients with irritable bowel syndrome, researchers found greater symptom relief and improvement in quality of life when acupuncturists were warm and friendly, expressed confidence and positive expectation and used active listening, as apposed to acupuncturists that administered the treatment and were minimally engaged in conversation with the patient.
In psychotherapy, being empathetic is a nuanced, sometimes complicated sentiment to express accurately. For example, I once said to a client who had a miscarriage how awful it must have felt. This was poorly tailored to her needs. Her response was, "I can't stand it when people feel sorry for me." Another example is an exchange I had with a man who used to hide his vulnerable feelings and disliked discussing them. I remember how he grinned sardonically and shook his head when I wondered out loud if he was hurt by his fiancé's statement. This was again a failure to communicate empathetically when my client's individual personality and tendencies are taken into account.
On the other hand, I remember a time when I was speechless after hearing a client's recount of their traumatic experience. I worried that my silence would make my client feel left alone. That's why I was surprised when they seemed to feel relieved by it, saying "finally someone who doesn't pretend that it'll be ok. There is nothing you can say to change what's happened." My client was right, we couldn't change what's happened. Recognizing that painful truth and sensing the gravity of it has helped my client feel more understood. As therapy progressed and our alliance grew stronger, they began to feel a little less scared of intimacy and a little less critical of their trauma reaction. However, meeting them first in their helplessness was an important first step before we could move past that.
As a therapist, I use everything I know about my clients along with their body language in order to try and make them feel understood by me. As my examples show, I don't always get it right. But when I do, it seems that nothing feels more supportive to clients than accurate empathy. In fact, research shows that clients’ perceptions of feeling understood by their therapists is directly related to therapy outcome, and is more important than treatment method, theoretical orientation, or the client's presented problem.
I believe that when we sense genuine empathy and positive regard, we can slowly take our guard off and begin to explore and reflect on our experience, which is the primary task of psychotherapy.
And that brings us full circle to where we started: "The best way out is always through." In the case of emotional difficulty, it will be hard to overcome it unless we get in touch with it. What can help us do so is having the back of a supportive other. Someone who will make the effort to understand us, and will respect and appreciate us as we go through this process.
Coming up next
Healing through Feeling: How more fully experiencing our emotions can help us move past them and towards our life goals.
References
Schnall, S., Harber, K. D., Stefanucci, J. K., & Proffitt, D. R. (2008). Social support and the perception of geographical slant. Journal of experimental social psychology, 44(5), 1246-1255. Chicago
Harber, K. D., Einev‐Cohen, M., & Lang, F. (2008). They heard a cry: Psychosocial resources moderate perception of others' distress. European Journal of Social Psychology, 38(2), 296-314.
Elliott, R., Bohart, A.C., Watson, J.C., & Greenberg, L.S. (2011). Empathy. In J. Norcross (ed.), Psychotherapy relationships that work (2nd ed.) pp. 132-152. New York: Oxford University Press.
Elliott, R. K., Greenberg, L. S., & Lietaer, G. (2004). Research on experiential psychotherapies.
Kaptchuk, T.J., Kelley, J.M., Conboy, L.A., Davis, R.B., Kerr, C.E., Jacobson, E.E., Kirsch, I., Schyner, R.N., Nam, B.H., Nguyen, L.T. and Park, M. (2008). Components of placebo effect: randomised controlled trial in patients with irritable bowel syndrome. Bmj, 336(7651), 999-1003.
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