In my post climbing the mountain together, I shared evidence that a secure romantic relationship can be a tremendous resource for partners when dealing with physical, mental and emotional challenges.
What characterizes a secure relationship?
Dr. Sue Johnson developed a therapeutic model that is based on attachment science, and helps couples to strengthen their connection. She identified three qualities of thriving and long lasting romantic relationships and summarized them in the acronym A.R.E you there?
A - accessible
When my partner is accessible, it feels like they are genuinely attentive and open to what I am sharing with them. It may come across in their body language, tone of voice, words, or actions - that they have my back. They hear me.
R - Responsive
When my partner is responsive, I know that I can rely on them, including and very importantly, when facing difficulties. I know that they will be there for me. Whether I need closeness, space, or anything else in order to feel better, my partner gets it and responds to my signals.
E - Engaged
When my partner is engaged in the relationship, they send me verbal and non-verbal signals that cue my body and my heart to feel loved and wanted. My partner's messages are telling me that they love me, appreciate me and value me, that they are attracted to me, interested in me, and want to be near me.
Indeed, a relationship that has these three qualities is a blessing. And 30 years of research on couples therapy show that partners can learn how to increase A.R.E qualities in their relationship, even when the relationship is initially in distress.
Feeling connected moment by moment
Naturally, the qualities of A.R.E are not present in any relationship 100% of the time. There are times when we all may be distracted, unavailable, and not very responsive to our partners. But a relationship where partners can be Accessible Responsive and Engaged at least some of the time will last longer and be experienced as more secure by both partners.
The more we can bring into our relationships moments of Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement, the more we will be able to enhance the mutual experience of a secure connection.
Try it at home!
How can you show your partner, verbally or non-verbally, that you are there for her/him/them? What is a small thing that you can do this week to be more accessible, responsive, and engaged in your relationship?
Here are a few ideas:
Put your phone aside for a few minutes and direct your full attention to your partner
Show your partner that they are important to you through a word, a gesture, your body language, or your tone of voice
Show your partner that they are interesting, attractive, and good to be around
You may bring responsiveness to the way you touch your partner by checking to see how your touch is received
Not feeling it? You are not alone
Some times in the course of a relationship we can find ourselves reluctant to show affection, extend empathy, or respond to our partner's expressed needs. Often, it is not a cognizant decision. Rather, it might feel like an internal voice saying 'No,' or an instinctive response of closing off or shutting down.
Noticing such an internal barrier within one's self does not always mean that they no longer care about their partner. Sometimes there is deep care, even love, underneath, that cannot be genuinely expressed at the moment. In these cases, gaining clarity into what is standing in one's way of authentic connection is crucial, if they don't want to risk losing the relationship.
Couples therapy and individual therapy are both valuable venues to processing such barriers. With more clarify, one may gradually be able to give voice to their conflicting feelings, and find a new path forward.
Illustration by an unknown artist taken from here
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